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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:08 pm 
Elven Warrior
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lol, Ferahgo, yours was sort of strange... :lol:

Dorth, yours was good as well.

But Joansean, the one you told was the best! :lol:

In a mental house, the psychiatrist draws a door on the wall.
Some time later he says to all madmen: "the first one to open this door can leave the institution." All of them are desperately trying to open the door, when suddenly one of them walks away. The psychiatrist thinks: "Ah finally, someone who has found his reason again."
He walks to the madman and asks: "why did you walk away?" to which the madman replies: "Ssht,... Don't tell anyone, ... I've got the key."


Rueben

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:17 pm 
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LOL, haven't posted here I believe, but this is hilarious :lol: .
This just made my day :D !

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:03 pm 
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Location: Like I am going to tell you guys that...
Every fight, is a food fight, when your a cannibal...

Giving someone flowers is like saying, "here, now watch these die"

A person kills a man and cleans the body to only bone. When he is flying out of the country he is asked why he has a skeloton in his bag. H e replies, "I am a science teacher."

He goes to his Hide out where he is met by his friends. His friends ask, "what did you bring for us"

The man says, "Youve heard of Lindsy Lohan right?"

More to come soon!!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:12 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Haha, that's a good one, reminds me of Achmed the deaed terrorist! :lol:

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:27 am 
Kinsman
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An Achmed joke or two..........

So Achmed-- No its ACCHmed!!
Well how do you spell that?
Um, what? Oh, A..C.. um, Fleghm...

Ok, so two Jewish people walk into a Bar-----

No, no, No! I dont like where this is going..

What? You dont let Jewish people into your bar?

No!! Thats not it I ju--

You racist ^@#$*&%!!!!!

I just dont want any Racist Jokes, on my show!!

Ahh!! I see, well can I kill them?!!! No, I am just kidding about that, I would not.
What I would do is Throw a penny between them and watch them fight to the Death!!!!
I did the same thing with two Catholic priests, Except I threw in a little BOY!!! And the winner fights Michael Jackson!!!

Does anyone here have a Prias......

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 2:15 pm 
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Very funny :lol: !
Only saw Achmed the Dead Terrorist once though, shame...

MJM

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 3:00 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Amarthadan wrote:
lol, Ferahgo, yours was sort of strange... :lol:

Dorth, yours was good as well.

But Joansean, the one you told was the best! :lol:


I think I can't agree with that , Dorth's one was easily the best.

Mine was way meaner though ! :wink:

No! Achmed shall not defile the One ring ! (though the Jingle bombs was very funny)

:)
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:54 am 
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Sorry for dragging this up but...



What's brown and sticky?

[spoiler] a stick [/spoiler]



Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says.

[spoiler] 'Here, how do you drive this thing?'. [/spoiler]




Two cows in a field, one turns to the other and says, 'Hey, you heard about this mad cow disease?' The other cow turns round and says,

[spoiler] 'holy ****! A talking cow!' [/spoiler]



Did you hear about the magic tractor?

[spoiler] It drives along the country road and turns into a field. [/spoiler]

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:37 am 
Elven Warrior
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Gaarew, I've heard (and told) the fish in a tank one and the magic tractor one. I've heard the talking cow one. They're all great!

Now my turn:
These are taken from papers turned in by American high school students.

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
21. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
24. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
25. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

My favourites are Numbers: 5, 6, 12, 14, 19, 20, 23, 26, and 27.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:21 am 
Elven Warrior
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Captain Ingold wrote:
Gaarew, I've heard (and told) the fish in a tank one and the magic tractor one. I've heard the talking cow one. They're all great!

Now my turn:
These are taken from papers turned in by American high school students.

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
5. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
21. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
24. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
25. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

My favourites are Numbers: 5, 6, 12, 14, 19, 20, 23, 26, and 27.


OMG, some of these are so stupid they're actually sooooo funny! :lol:

7 :lol:

Rueben

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:17 pm 
Ringwraith
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And now for a very lame one I've heard :)

"Once, there was a chicken
He raised his left leg,
and he raised his right leg,
and he fell."

And another

"There was once a young boy who loved tractors

When he was a teenager he subscribed for tractor magazine and he already knew how to drive a tractor

He grew up more and drove tractors for a living... but then he had an accident that put him off tractors forever

so he's 2 years older now and he goes to a pub and sees a girl who looked sad.

So he asked her what was wrong and she told him... 'I can't breathe in here its too smokey'

So he walked into the middle of the room and took a deep breath and inhaled all the smoke.

Then he walked outside and breathed it all out again

Then the girl said, wow that was amazing, how did you do that...

and he said...

Im an Extractor Fan!"

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:43 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Go to the Google search page, type "Find Chuck Norris", and press "I'm Feeling Lucky".

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 8:36 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Captain Ingold wrote:
Go to the Google search page, type "Find Chuck Norris", and press "I'm Feeling Lucky".


lol, I was just about to post some chuck norris facts. :lol:

Rueben

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:59 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Chinese Proverbs:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget


and

one guy was very overwieght and was desperate to lose some weight. and to his luck, a new super technique was being developed so he decided to give it a try. he went to this new place to try the technique. then the instructor then told him that it was pretty easy. he will be in the same room with a gorgeous naked blond for the entire night. if he can catch her, then he can have his way her all night long. and so the man being overweight and not lucky with the ladies, he was desperate so he chased her as fast as he can. it took him long hours, but he finally got her and had an amazing night. and it was also the best work out of his life as he lost several pounds. so he returned the next day for some more hot workouts. and then the instructor told him: "today will be very similar to yesterday, but instead of the hot blond in the room, there will be a huge gay black man who will be chasing you this time."

and

That's not right. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
You know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:04 pm 
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:lol:

Sick Sean, 'Ai Bang Mai Ni' when I ROFLed!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:54 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Haha, Lei ying lo :lol:

Rueben

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:32 am 
Elven Warrior
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This actually happened to me. At a School Sports day, if I remember corrrectly.

Person: "Look, a distraction!"
*Everyone turns*
:-D


EDIT: Which reminds me of the time some guys had a Powerpoint Presentation in which they said "Without further Adieu...

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:53 pm 
Elven Warrior
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Captain Ingold wrote:
This actually happened to me. At a School Sports day, if I remember corrrectly.

Person: "Look, a distraction!"
*Everyone turns*
:-D


EDIT: Which reminds me of the time some guys had a Powerpoint Presentation in which they said "Without further Adieu...


Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice :rofl:

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 7:53 pm 
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haha, these are all soo funny. :lol:

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:18 pm 
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Captain Ingold wrote:

Person: "Look, a distraction!"
*Everyone turns*


hahaha :rofl: :rofl: :lol: :lol: :-D :lol: :rofl:

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